hey, do you smell popcorn or did someone take their shoes off?

I love 'the movies'. There's nothing like a well told story in a well crafted film and I always look forward to becoming fully engrossed in one, but I haven't been to a movie theater in years. Well, that's not quite true. I did attend last year's Vancouver International Film Festival, but other than that I refuse to enter a multi-plex. Some have questioned my commitment to screenwriting. They tell me that if I'm serious I must, absolutely must, see a movie in a crowded theater. It's the only way to see a movie. They also claim it's the only way one can tell what's working with a script or where a script falls flat - all based on audience reaction. What a load! I don't need to see or hear other peoples' reactions to gauge how entertaining a movie is. I've been told that movies are a medium expressly intended for, and can only be enjoyed by, simultaneous viewing by a multitude. That's like saying a book can only be enjoyed by having someone read it aloud in a library. Nonsense. Movies weren't expressly meant to be viewed by a large audience. It's simply pure economics that dictates how a movie is viewed, and it was, at one time, the only way you could see a movie - one screen, many viewers. That's the only rebuttal needed for that argument. Case closed.

Having said all that, it doesn't mean I haven't seen any movies since then. I have. I try to watch five or six a week. But before I continue, let me explain why I won't go. A few years ago I went to the local Cineplex. It was pretty quiet. Not too many in attendance. Nice. Nobody was going to push the back of the seat with their feet. No-one would whisper dumb questions, and fingers crossed, no-one would have a coughing fit. This was all pre cellphones, so none of that crap either. I was all set to really enjoy it. I picked a great seat - middle of the row, a few rows back from middle of the theatre. No-one on either side, no-one directly behind, and no-one in front to block my view. Excellent. Yeah, you'd think.

About halfway through, at a quiet time in the scene, I heard, "click - click - click - click". I'm thinking, "What the hell is that"? Some movie dialog, and then, "click - click - click". A bit more dialog and still more, "click - click". Well, holy shit. I have to see what the hell that is and which moron is doing it. I turn around and some a-hole has his bare foot up on the back of the seat in front of him clipping his toenails. Talk about taking you out of the story. That was it. Never again, and I haven't been to a movie theater since.

Fast forward to today. Now, I'm fortunate to have the pleasure of watching movies in my own home theater with an LCDHD projector, 92" Stewart Screen, and 5.1 audio. I'm actually able to watch the movie undistracted in an audience of two and I certainly don't think my screenwriting aspirations suffer at all. In fact, I would argue the contrary. The only drawback is that I have to wait for each new release on DVD, but that's a small price to pay for an awesome experience that's completely free of toenail clippings, thank you very much.